|
|
Post by shaunsindelman on Jun 14, 2013 11:43:26 GMT -5
What's the latest thoughts on Blayze heading into All-Star Showdown 2?
|
|
|
|
Post by shaunsindelman on Jul 9, 2013 8:53:47 GMT -5
Any thoughts on Blayze vs NvD?
|
|
|
|
Post by Alexia Brandt on Jul 9, 2013 17:02:43 GMT -5
I mentioned this on the eFed Guerillas podcast, but I always feel slightly uncomfortable giving you feedback as I feel my view is slightly biased (Yes, I like it when people talk about me) but I'll take my best shot.
Your opening was very intriguing, I like how Johnny's adopting a pseudo Jigsaw persona in his twisted search for...well, whatever he's searching for. I hate to use a real life comparison but there's a very Bray Wyatt vibe coming off of Johnny now, specifically the Messianic gibberish gimmick. I have no clue what Johnny's hoping to achieve, but you write the twisted cult-leader well enough that the ambiguous objectives only make his words that much more foreboding.
I really like that you introduced one of Johnny's "associates" in this RP, I was a bit concerned they were just going to be faceless background, but having at least one of them have a face and a voice makes me curious to see what their role in Blayze's grand design will be.
That being said, I did have some difficulty discerning who was talking at times; Orson didn't feel like he had developed a unique voice and if the names hadn't been on the page I honestly think I would have thought it was just Johnny speaking.
Overall however I really liked the promo. It's clear you're having fun writing Blayze, exploring just how twisted he's become, and the shoot section gave NvD some great material to work with in his own RP, should he decide to go down that route.
|
|
Vinny
Headliner
Posts: 683
|
Post by Vinny on Jul 9, 2013 18:41:57 GMT -5
I've been meaning to leave you feedback for a while. You keep patiently asking for it. I'm just an asshole. But I can change I swear...
The Opening
- WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK-ALL FUCKITY FUCK JUST HAPPENED? There's knives, there's bondage, there's torture, there's adultery! "What am I witnessing?!" He asks in the best possible way. There's no explanation. There's minimalist detail, but just enough so that I'm allowed to mentally paint my own picture. Is "Pat" young or old? Fat or slim? Blonde or brunette? I'm allowed to project whatever I want onto that vessel. It also shows that such details aren't relevant to the point that Blayze is trying to make.
- My one criticism of the opening is that the woman is described as "very scared." I'd prefer to have that shown through her responses or through some sort of action. Throughout the whole exchange she seems totally calm. She never stammers or stutters, never second guesses herself, and never breaks or cries. Not even when Blayze starts brandishing a knife. Part of why I was so enthralled by this segment was how little fear she actually showed.
The Shoot
- Okay description. Again, minimalist. There's enough for me to start painting my own picture of night along some water's edge. I'd personally like a little more, but that's just preference.
- I like the stuff about Alexia. I'm not sure how "laughing stock" and "depraved" work together. I don't think you meant to link them, but because of the way that sentence is structured they become linked for me as a reader and it comes off strange.
- A personal preference: a hate when things are described as "evil." What does "evil" look like? There's no real good answer to that question.
- A potentially hypocritical comment: I think you overuse the ellipses.
- I like the heel brush-off of the loss to Alexia and the segway into NvD talk is well done.
- Acting NvD's religion is some solid heel work, but I'm wondering why this Orson guy is taking the mic time away from Blayze? I get that he's Blayze's new mentor (or one of them at least), but Blayze is the guy we're here to see right? Why not let Blayze get to do the talking and let Orson be the silent, mysterious type in the background. (These comments would be completely reversed if I get that impression that Orson was more of a manager, but I don't get that at all).
- The graveyard reveal is a nice touch; a good twist on a worn cliche of the "graveyard promo."
- I wasn't really buying Blayze as a heel until he started going after NvD's dead friend.
- "Blayze: You'll be BEGGING for a car windshield when I'm through." Great line.
Final Thoughts
- It took me awhile to really get into this promo. The opening was so strong, but the shoot started so generic. I felt like I'd heard this all before; but it really turned around when Blayze (pun intended) turned up the heat. The graveyard reveal, the needling of NvD, the mocking of the dead. Great heel work.
- My only advice would be to make Blayze more of the focal point of the RP. Orson doesn't need so many lines. Or, really, any.
|
|
|
|
Post by shaunsindelman on Jul 9, 2013 18:52:34 GMT -5
Thank you Benny and Rob for the insightful commentary.
I definitely think going forward I will keep alot of these notes in mind, particularly when it comes to Orson who I only intend to use during RPs and not as a ringside character.
And yes Benny I do think sometimes the reader should paint their own scenery rather than me spell it out for them but there's a fine line to maintain as well.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2013 18:54:44 GMT -5
I never said anything!
|
|
Vinny
Headliner
Posts: 683
|
Post by Vinny on Jul 9, 2013 19:06:28 GMT -5
Consonant-Vowel-N-N-Y. Whatever.
|
|
|
|
Post by shaunsindelman on Jul 9, 2013 21:05:28 GMT -5
Oops...Benny...Vinny...patayto...potahto. =D
|
|
Bondo
Headliner
A clever Crow always paints it's feathers black
Posts: 534
|
Post by Bondo on Jul 9, 2013 22:53:34 GMT -5
Oops...Benny...Vinny...patayto...potahto. =D One likes male prostitutes, the other one acts like a male prostitute. *Bah-dum-bump* |
|
|
|
Post by shaunsindelman on Aug 20, 2013 13:46:50 GMT -5
What's everyone think of the latest CD segment and my shoot for the supershow?
|
|
|
|
Post by Jerry on Aug 20, 2013 19:43:02 GMT -5
I'm torn in the CD stuff you've been doing lately. Great writing but it's a little out there for me. How is Blayze committing these acts without being wanted by the authorities? It's like he's become Jigsaw or something. Again, just a little out there for me, but the writing is phenomenal. Maybe you have an explanation for that. I've handled dark characters before and have had their most violent acts occur in the ring where it was easily explained as work hazards, but shooting a priest and slicing up people... Dunno.
I'm definitely not saying to change what you're doing, but have you thought of a way to explain how he hasn't bee incarcerated for these acts?
Your shoot rp for Above and Beyond, absolutely amazing IMO. I was really drawn in by the scene you set and as I was reading, I hung on every single word Blayze and Orson said. Fantastic job on that one.
|
|
|
|
Post by shaunsindelman on Aug 20, 2013 19:59:41 GMT -5
Like Jigsaw, Blayze is very cunning and clever. Enough to be one step ahead of the authorities. Of course hell eventually get his comeuppance ( when the character has run it's course ). Then again some of his "victims" may not be found since he doesn't leave a trail behind.
Thanks for reading and following along.
|
|
|
|
Post by shaunsindelman on Aug 21, 2013 16:48:10 GMT -5
I'm torn in the CD stuff you've been doing lately. Great writing but it's a little out there for me. How is Blayze committing these acts without being wanted by the authorities? It's like he's become Jigsaw or something. Again, just a little out there for me, but the writing is phenomenal. Maybe you have an explanation for that. I've handled dark characters before and have had their most violent acts occur in the ring where it was easily explained as work hazards, but shooting a priest and slicing up people... Dunno. I'm definitely not saying to change what you're doing, but have you thought of a way to explain how he hasn't bee incarcerated for these acts? Sat on this for a day or so and I think I am going to eventually do a line of CDs that involve Blayze being caught up with by the authorities and how he handles that situation. Warning - it WILL get crazy. |
|
|
|
Post by Chandler Scott on Aug 29, 2013 5:04:53 GMT -5
The hand thing was a bit  (and just as a whole, I still can't buy him going from loverboy to the extreme of being Collin's disciple who hangs onto his every word to the extreme of being a cult leader over the course of about three months.) With that being said, I don't know where you've been hiding this Blayze at. But you picked a pretty good time to let him out. Easily the best work I've seen you write here in FGA. Good work. |
|
|
|
Post by shaunsindelman on Aug 29, 2013 7:42:21 GMT -5
The hand thing was a bit (and just as a whole, I still can't buy him going from loverboy to the extreme of being Collin's disciple who hangs onto his every word to the extreme of being a cult leader over the course of about three months.) With that being said, I don't know where you've been hiding this Blayze at. But you picked a pretty good time to let him out. Easily the best work I've seen you write here in FGA. Good work. Thank you for your kind words in the 2nd half of your feedback. And to address the first part, I call upon a simple thing called "suspension of disbelief". I've seen a lot worse in eW as well as real professional wrestling bookings. =) |
|
(and just as a whole, I still can't buy him going from loverboy to the extreme of being Collin's disciple who hangs onto his every word to the extreme of being a cult leader over the course of about three months.)