Malcolm Drake Feedback

[Vinny]

Goddamn tpyos. I proofread too!






typos*

[Vinny]

My latest, Death Rattle, is up and I honestly think it might be my best one yet.

Please, please, please let me know what you think, and I'll try to return the favor.

- V

[Jerry]

I'll take a stab at this...

First thing, your CD piece on this one was absolutely fantastic. I loved the way you drew me into the scene with the description of the motel room. It really worked. Are we going to find out who the "him" is? I'm assuming that it's either Malcolm's dad, or some other figure that we don't know about yet.

The scene with the girl... It reminded me of a dirty movie that I snuck downstairs to watch in my youth on Skinamax for some reason. Similar process where the girl was being ordered to turn around etc . . . Drake really creeps me out when you do these added CD pieces. On one hand, we all know he's got a certain madness about him but I think he does a good job of hiding some of his darker moments from Harter and Pooler. They're all three monster heels, but I think that deep down, if they saw the length to Drake's depravity outside of the ring even they might bail on the Murder. Maybe I'm off base here, but just a feeling I get with the group dynamic.

"It's one of those motels where the faucets drips. The furniture is stiff and uncomfortable. The bed creaks. You don't sleep well.

It's one of those motels you never visit again."

I wish I had half the talent that you do to get across a scene in the description, that right there was just awesome. I tend to be too wordy where as you can get the vivid picture into my mind with real concise language.

"This, he reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a fresh, blue United States passport, was the last hope that the Usual Suspects had of leaving Canada under their own power. "

Haha, fucking awesome and he made me believe it too.

" All those pesky rules that FGA is so INSISTENT upon... they're gone now. You have nothing to hide behind and nothing to save you. Can you even fathom that? Have the pathetic synapses in your puny brains even fired so that you can comprehend it? "

This to me is the real story of the match and what makes me as a fan feel that The Murder have the Suspects right where they want them. I hope that I played this up on my end of the story in my rp. You hit the nail on the head and rolled with it.

Drake goes on to name the list of the people that the Murder have disposed of... I wish I had mentioned some of the others, but they were before my time and I didn't know of them, but...

"What we did to them we did with all the rules in place. We CRIPPLED them... when playing by the rules."

This would be a very scary moment of truth for any opponent of the Murder and this line more than any other I feel set the tone for the rest of the shoot.

"Marx has traded an albatross... for a eunuch. Now uou're just another pair of warmed-over, milquetoast do-gooders."

Don't hate me, but when I initially read this line, I did it in the voice of Captain Jack Sparrow... I love this line, so far I think The Suspects have yet to find their confidence as a face. I know that I struggle with it in writing them right now. To me, this line is almost like Drake saying that he has them right where he wants them now. Now they've become just like the others who have fallen at the hands of The Murder. Well done.

Overall a really fantastic RP. I'm a little surprised you feel that it was your strongest one as I think I liked the one you did for Above and Beyond better. I just felt that you completely owned me in that one. Not saying that didn't happen here, I think you're a much more talented writer than I am regardless - I just remember reading the Prison one and thinking: "Fuck...I just had my ass handed to me."

I did like the CD piece probably more than any other CD segment you've done though. It really shined.

[Vinny]

Thanks, Jerr. I really focused on the CD piece with this one, since with Drake I've sort of shied away from doing a lot of overt CD. I started feeling like Drake was becoming a lot of bark and no bite; I wanted to make sure he had an edge to him that was just undeniably evil. I'm pushing him as close as I can to being unforgivable without sending him over that edge, at least that's my goal.

That scene came to me very vividly and visually when I first thought of it, and it was easy to block it like a movie scene. Then I sat down and was like "Shit, how do I put this into words?" I struggled finding the right language for parts of it. The movie term "framing" refers to what is in the shot and what is out of it. So I tried to work that in reference to the window's frame. In my mind, I had an image of Drake in the center, partially silhouetted, giving the appearance that he was talking to a person just outside the shot. I tried to hold that illusion as long as I thought was possible for the reveal. I wanted there to be a momentary feeling of relief that - as bad as carving up the title is - at least he's alone and not going to hurt anyone. And that's when the second reveal comes in.

Again, if it were a movie I could probably direct these shots a lot more easily than I could but the images into words. I wanted - visually - to hide any naughty bits. My thinking of this was that it strips the scene of any possible sexuality. This is not an act of sex, but of violence and power. I also didn't think it would add anything to show the act.

I wanted the shot to juxtapose the scene as much as possible. Drake is downright giddy, which is a weird emotion for him. He's practically dancing with all his gesticulations and mannerisms. I wanted that smug confidence to be sickening in contrast to the previous scene.

To your point, I don't think the shoot was my strongest, but I thought as a combined piece this was one of my more well-thought-out and well-constructed works. I thought you did a great job of talking about how the deck is stacked against the Usual Suspects, and I wanted to play off that as much as possible. The villain should be smug and taunting. The outcome, in his mind, should not be in question. That's my theory, at least.

Thanks for the feedback!

[Vinny]

I'm posting this from the train, so no link, but I'd love to hear what you guys thought of "Good Forever."

Sorry for no selling Christmas.

- V