Malcolm Drake Feedback

[Vinny]

Hey all,

I'd really like to get some feedback on my recent stuff. I'm trying to work in more of Drake's backstory and more of his unhinged personality (along with some more people-related dynamics). I've obviously been hit or miss lately and have gotten rusty due to my lack of practice. I'd like to hear what you guys think. All feedback and critique is welcome, as always.

Thanks,
- Vinny

PS. Sorry for not posting a link. Writing this from the plane = ouchie.

[The Rogue]

Absolutely love it. One or two typos aside (airport trouble) I loved it. I especially liked the mercy bit in that last one. Actually don't have a single bad word to say.

[J.T.Cash]

I couldn't agree more, i loved reading it, it flowed really nicely and the way in which you use language to suit your character is pretty perfect. Considering you have by the sounds of it had a nightmare with planegate that was one hell of a roleplay.

Props mate

[Jensen Banks]

Dec 11, 2012 10:42:10 GMT -5 DaveCZ said:

Sir, you're a future big time player here in FGA. And by "future", I mean a month or two, really.

I'm a Raven mark as well (really, who isn't?) and I totally love your character. I digged every line of the promo and yeah, I gotta say the setting was really good.

I'm not a Raven mark...

[Jensen Banks]

When I'm on the computer I'll add some feedback.

[Deleted]

You have, as usual, gifted us with a touch of class, Vinny.

I am enjoying the depth you are adding to the Drake character. As you're well aware I'm a bit of a mark for character development and the way you're doing it subtly through human interactions is working well, in my opinion. The scene with the girl in the bar in 'Mercy's Limit' was well-written, although I do have one criticism. When Drake has her by the wrist wouldn't someone have interjected? Or was that a dig at the nature of man and of modern society; that chivalry is well and truly dead or that loose women in bars are asking for trouble.

Am I reading too much into that?

I won't criticise you for the occasional typo since you're usually on a plane or in an airport.

Your trash talk is fitting for your character, which is to say awesome. Keep it up.

As a personal preference I would like to see more mentions of the f-f-father and what exactly in Malcolm's upbringing made him the person he is today. But I'm a sucker for that sorta thing.

Less colours!

Overall: you're shaking any rust you may have gathered and are putting out some of your best work since McCarthy (not knocking the Fallon character) and I look forward to what the future holds.

[Vinny]

May 22, 2013 15:14:59 GMT -5 @blaineharrison said:

You have, as usual, gifted us with a touch of class, Vinny.

I am enjoying the depth you are adding to the Drake character. As you're well aware I'm a bit of a mark for character development and the way you're doing it subtly through human interactions is working well, in my opinion. The scene with the girl in the bar in 'Mercy's Limit' was well-written, although I do have one criticism. When Drake has her by the wrist wouldn't someone have interjected? Or was that a dig at the nature of man and of modern society; that chivalry is well and truly dead or that loose women in bars are asking for trouble.

Am I reading too much into that?

Thanks, Ben. Not quite what I was going for since that perception that women in bars are "asking for it" is exactly the opposite of what I believe. It was more that Malcolm's invasiveness was meant to be subtle and relatively quick. The fact that someone probably would've intervened or at least said something if they noticed is why I tried to keep the scene quick and have Drake make for the door immediately after.

Thanks again.

[Deleted]

May 23, 2013 17:55:46 GMT -5 Vinny said:

Thanks, Ben. Not quite what I was going for since that perception that women in bars are "asking for it" is exactly the opposite of what I believe. It was more that Malcolm's invasiveness was meant to be subtle and relatively quick. The fact that someone probably would've intervened or at least said something if they noticed is why I tried to keep the scene quick and have Drake make for the door immediately after.

Thanks again.

Nobody should hold that belief, it's repulsive. But look at society and the characters we've chosen to play.

And your latest piece was just as well written, but the twist at the end really threw me for a loop

[Bob Pooler]

loved, loved, loved the twist at the end. I think that the little bit of Malcolm's head we've been allowed into has been enough to really make me want more. Each time you bring us into that world and peel away a layer of his psyche that shows why he is who he is I get goosebumps. Keep up the great work buddy, because if this is what you're capable of on a cellphone in an airport I'd hate to see you on a computer with time to kill!

[Vinny]

Thanks, guys. I actually meant to ask for feedback on Party's Over (http://fgawrestling.proboards.com/thread/2206/partys-over) but got too drunk last night.

[Jerry]

So, I know that I'm new here so you can take my feedback for what it's worth.

I'm not up on the history of your character really but the ending to your last rp was truly one of the most unforeseen, shall I say, disturbingly twisted things I've read. Bravo, as I assume that's what you were going for.

It was really an rp that makes me want to go back and read all of your older roleplays just so I can feel like I'm up on your character.

I also completely understand now why Dom (from the character development rp Benny posted) doesn't want Heather to meet Malcom.

[Vinny]

Newest RP: No Safe Haven

I tried to have a running theme through this one. Let me know what you think.

PS - I will be reading through all the other RPs today and giving feedback.

Thanks,
- V

[Stephen]

An intro roleplay for person that needs no introduction. I say that only because you don't know who your opponent is so you were in a position where you had to cut a promo as if this were a match against a debuting opponent. It worked out REALLY well. The bridge theme was perfectly executed and your knowledge of the area proved to be a great strength for you in this one. It was short and sweet, but very strong and well written. I cannot for the life of me find anything wrong with this roleplay. It was funny, my favorite line being:

“I can think of no place WORSE place to have to be than Hartford... and we've done several tours of New Jersey."

You also played on the fact that Drake doesn't even know his opponents names, which was really well done.

They'll be buried in unmarked graves with no names or epitaphs.

Great use of allusion here before bringing it home. Reminds me of some great lyrical rap songs. Five stars for this one.

Like I said, I can't find anything to fault this one except a lack of character development. I feel with a strong promo like this added to a mystery opponent, some CD would have just been icing on the cake, but that's a personal preference/nitpicking and won't have any impact on the outcome of the match. Great job here Vinny.

[Vinny]

Thanks, man. Your criticism is well-taken. I have an unorthodox approach to CD when it comes to eW. Unlike Ben, who is the master of the flashback, I rarely do anything except for the straight ahead promo. I try to weave any CD into the promo. You're spot on when you say there is none in this RP, beyond Drake's increasing arrogance.

You won't see me do a lot of flashback RPs and part of that is to keep Drake's past not quite a secret, but to limit it to what he personally reveals about it. For example, there's been a number of RPs where he reference his father's abuses without naming them; he's never made mention of his mother; and just recently he had a promo with a male prostitute. There's enough there to draw something of a psychological profile but not enough to make any solid conclusions. And that's how I like Drake. Enigmatic, and not just as a catch-phrase. There's actually a lot of cool stuff I want to do with Drake in the Frontier vs. FRONTIER thing we have coming up, so hopefully I can get it all in.

Thanks again for the feedback!

[Alexia Brandt]

I absolutely loved this RP, probably one of the best ones I've seen from you. I loved the detail on the location; I'm always a fan of people using personal knowledge of a spot to feed their imagery, it feels like my own personal tour of somewhere I've never been before and feels like a writer is sharing something beyond just a characters ramblings.

Drakes ramblings though, I can never get enough of. One thing I really enjoy about Drake is that he's clearly the leader of the Murder; he doesn't need titles or be the dominant force himself, but his ego and charisma (plus your stablemates putting you over ) clearly show where he is in the pecking order, and it helps feed the dynamic of the Murder and where they stand in FGA. There's a reason you guys sit at the top of cards, and it's not just all three of your amazing writing, it's that you make it easy for people to see possible stories to have with you.

A quick thing I've been meaning to say about what little CD you've shown: I love it. I get what you mean when you talk about focusing on the straight promo, but when you let those cracks show (the prostitute scene especially) it's really amazing to see just how damaged Drake really is, yet not know any of the nitty gritty details that we so hunger for. It shows a restraint I just don't have (but would love to learn.)