Malcolm Drake Feedback

[Vinny]

First full RP is up: The Future is Bleak

Please let me know what you thought; what you liked and especially what you didn't like. Drake is a new character for me so obviously there's going to be some kinks.

Thanks,
- V

[sgakrista]

This is a great RP, Vinny! It give us some insight to Malcom, without giving the whole game away. You focus on the match at hand, which is something I always have trouble with, as seen in my first RP, and any others on the web you happen to find. I agree with what you said in Moonsault Magazine, that the first RP with a new character or after a long hiatus, can be tricky. Because you DO want to write a novel of sorts, and that can turn out badly. That didn't happen here, you stayed on point, without it being a five line RP. Seen too many of those, though not in FGA.

I like the analogies you use, especially being the "lead crow" of an impending assault on FGA and wrestling as a whole. Somewhat Raven-esque, without the angst, and with more violence. (I always liked Raven, so please don't take that as an insult. I feel like he was a love'im or hate'im character, hope you don't hate him)

Good setting description, which is great for helping people imagine the scene. I'm a sucker for details, and using the surrounding area of wherever an event is taking place, as you'll see in my upcoming RP.

I can't really find anything negative to say about this RP, Vinny! Some very minor technical aspects like breaking up Malcom's words and actions so they don't run together in a couple spots, but that's more of a preference on my end, really.

I am excited to see more of Malcom, and clearly meeting him in a dark alley is going to end poorly for anyone foolish enough to try. By the way, was the "Look at me, I'm a punk" directed at me? Excellent job, and I wish I could give a more detailed break down, but RP critiques is another skill I have to work on.

[Vinny]

Dec 11, 2012 8:33:10 GMT -5 @sgakrista said:

Somewhat Raven-esque, without the angst, and with more violence. (I always liked Raven, so please don't take that as an insult. I feel like he was a love'im or hate'im character, hope you don't hate him)

Good setting description, which is great for helping people imagine the scene. I'm a sucker for details, and using the surrounding area of wherever an event is taking place, as you'll see in my upcoming RP.

Some very minor technical aspects like breaking up Malcom's words and actions so they don't run together in a couple spots, but that's more of a preference on my end, really.

I am excited to see more of Malcolm, and clearly meeting him in a dark alley is going to end poorly for anyone foolish enough to try. By the way, was the "Look at me, I'm a punk" directed at me?

Thanks for the feedback, Kris!

I'm actually a HUGE Raven mark. He is one of my primary influences in Drake. I wanted a lot of his darkness and mannerisms but with less of his "woe is me" attitude and (for lack of a better term) victimization. One thing I thought Raven never did enough of was use the iconography of the corvus family of birds (crows, ravens) as harbingers of doom, symbols of death, carrions, etc. I think that's going to a running theme or symbolism in my RPs.

I'm glad you liked the setting. Setting is something I think is often overlooked in RPing (and it's a topic I want to write about in Moonsault), so I try to make my settings pop. The idea here was making the ordinary seem strange. I tried to play with light and dark (both visually and symbolically) without being too heavy handed with it. I also liked the idea of how Drake reveals himself slowly as a character, he still hides his appearance somewhat. I had a lot of fun with that.

I was actually struggling with deciding how I wanted to structure my RPs. I think the movie/stage script style is easier to read, but it sometimes pulls me out when I'm reading it. I also like to do things stylistically different. I also imagine all the ellipsis (...) and capitalization will be annoying to some people. I've been trying to find a better way to make the sing-song, up-and-down quality of Drake's cadence more apparent without doing audio RPs. ;D

And short answer: yes, the punk line was partially about you. Longer answer: But it was also about the idea that there's a lot of "punk" or "punk-esque" characters in e-Wrestling. I think Thaly's character is definitely a "punk," as well. And of course there's a ton of people using CM Punk as a pic base these days, so it was also a little bit of shooting.

Thanks again for the feedback!
- V

[DaveCZ]

Sir, you're a future big time player here in FGA. And by "future", I mean a month or two, really.

I'm a Raven mark as well (really, who isn't?) and I totally love your character. I digged every line of the promo and yeah, I gotta say the setting was really good.

[Vinny]

Dec 11, 2012 10:42:10 GMT -5 DaveCZ said:

Sir, you're a future big time player here in FGA. And by "future", I mean a month or two, really.

I'm a Raven mark as well (really, who isn't?) and I totally love your character. I digged every line of the promo and yeah, I gotta say the setting was really good.

Thanks, Corey (is it Corey? I can't remember). I appreciate the praise. And yeah, who isn't a Raven mark?

- V

[Chris Q]

(I actually started writing this feedback last night when I first read through your RP. Since then, others have commented on some of things I'll talk about here, so I'm sorry if you're hearing it for a second time.)

This reminded me of the old ECW promos from Raven that would air during their weekly shows. A very direct approach that really puts the audience in a good position to digest everything Malcolm has to say. I liked the attention you put into setting up the scene and the well-described imagery in the first part. I’m not sure if you needed to include as much specific detail about the city of Pittsburgh as you did, but that’s just me.

I’m not going to get into any of the discussion about taped promos, camera crews, addressing fans or opponents and how this should be handled in RPs because honestly, it comes down to personal style and preference. I’m not exactly sure who the person is that is “following” Malcolm, but I’m assuming it is a cameraman or just an irrelevant body there to listen. Regardless of how people choose to approach this, the content is the most significant part.

I remember reading before that you had planned for this character to have a psychotic edge to him and you establish that almost immediately after Malcolm opens his mouth. His speech pattern – the pauses you insert – is just great character writing in my opinion. It’s a subtle approach that goes a long way for me. This is something I saw Akrista didn't care for, but I thought was great.

My only criticism of your character at this point is that he does come off as slightly generic. You say that people will see who Malcolm Drake is at the next show, but that doesn’t really tell me anything. Unless you have a major segment planned that is going to reveal a lot about Drake, we are only going to get so much from your match. I appreciate that you want to keep a level of mystery to Malcolm, but hopefully we see more start to spill out in future work.

Malcolm talks in the beginning about being a leader and having to deal with followers. “You follow the battles and the wars and pick the bones of the vanquished like horrible crows...” but then shortly after that he refers to himself as the “lead crow” and says he will be the one picking up bones. So which is Malcolm? A leader? A follower? A crow? This starts to get a little confusing. It’s obvious you like to include the imagery of a crow picking the bones after a battle, but I think you’ve worn that one out now…

(I read now that you plan on continuing the bird references...)

You do a nice job selling Drake as a brawler who doesn’t care about opponent’s backgrounds or specialties. I’m thinking this plays into the whole “professional wrestling is dead” gimmick that I’m hoping you run with.

I thought it was an entertaining debut for a character that I hope to see a lot from in FGA. We have yet to see Malcolm interact with anyone or respond to an opponent against him, so I’ll be looking forward to seeing what you can do with that.

[DaveCZ]

Dec 11, 2012 11:01:55 GMT -5 Vinny said:

Dec 11, 2012 10:42:10 GMT -5 DaveCZ said:

Sir, you're a future big time player here in FGA. And by "future", I mean a month or two, really.

I'm a Raven mark as well (really, who isn't?) and I totally love your character. I digged every line of the promo and yeah, I gotta say the setting was really good.

Thanks, Corey (is it Corey? I can't remember). I appreciate the praise. And yeah, who isn't a Raven mark?

- V

You're welcome. I'm David actually, but lot of people on the e-fedding scene knows me as Corey, so yeah, you can call me Corey lol

[Vinny]

Dec 11, 2012 11:11:42 GMT -5 Chris Q said:

(I actually started writing this feedback last night when I first read through your RP. Since then, others have commented on some of things I'll talk about here, so I'm sorry if you're hearing it for a second time.)

This reminded me of the old ECW promos from Raven that would air during their weekly shows. A very direct approach that really puts the audience in a good position to digest everything Malcolm has to say. I liked the attention you put into setting up the scene and the well-described imagery in the first part. I’m not sure if you needed to include as much specific detail about the city of Pittsburgh as you did, but that’s just me.

First: Thanks for the detailed feedback, Nick. I love getting it and I love hearing about where I hit and where I missed.

I'm glad so many people got the Raven/ECW vibe from this RP. I was definitely striving for that sort of style and aesthetic. The reason I did the bits about Pittsburgh where 1. Generally writing about the city or location helps me get the ball rolling when I'm not sure where I want to start and 2. One of Drake's trainers (Isaac Bronco) is from Pittsburgh, and I had initially planned on referencing that in the RP. But since I didn't, I probably could've trimmed a bit out about the city after focusing down the location. I like to make sure if someone Google Maps one of my RPs they'll be able to find the spot I'm talking about, but I can see where it went a little too verbose here. Good call.

I’m not going to get into any of the discussion about taped promos, camera crews, addressing fans or opponents and how this should be handled in RPs because honestly, it comes down to personal style and preference. I’m not exactly sure who the person is that is “following” Malcolm, but I’m assuming it is a cameraman or just an irrelevant body there to listen. Regardless of how people choose to approach this, the content is the most significant part.

One of the things I'm going for, that hopefully will come off a little better the next time is a sense of paranoia in the character. In the segment I did for the last DVD Taping, Drake hid away from the camera, started with "you always find me," and worked his way up to attacking the camera. I made a point to distinguish attacking the camera from attacking the cameraman. This is a part of the character I haven't fully fleshed out in my mind yet, and maybe that's why it didn't come across like I wanted it. Like you said, there's a lot of personal preference into how to write the "shoot" part of an RP and I wanted to have a little fun with that. With previous characters - more brash ones - I've had them set up a handheld camera and cut their promos that way. I went away from that because it gives the impression of someone filming someone else filming themselves. I think my idea is that Drake does the promo part of his "job" unwillingly or at least wants to give that impression. I'll really appreciate this critique because it gives me something very specific to work on.

I remember reading before that you had planned for this character to have a psychotic edge to him and you establish that almost immediately after Malcolm opens his mouth. His speech pattern – the pauses you insert – is just great character writing in my opinion. It’s a subtle approach that goes a long way for me. This is something I saw Akrista didn't care for, but I thought was great.

Thanks! I'm glad you liked it.

My only criticism of your character at this point is that he does come off as slightly generic. You say that people will see who Malcolm Drake is at the next show, but that doesn’t really tell me anything. Unless you have a major segment planned that is going to reveal a lot about Drake, we are only going to get so much from your match. I appreciate that you want to keep a level of mystery to Malcolm, but hopefully we see more start to spill out in future work.

You bring up an excellent point, and something I hadn't focused on enough: how long can I tease out Drake before he just becomes some dude who lurks around in the shadows (in my defense Sting did that for about 20 years...)? The line about seeing who Drake is, was really designed as simple boasting, but I also put a lot of faith in Terr's match-writing. He PERFECTLY captured my previous character, so there is an element of that.

But you're right. I may have put too much faith in my ability to make Drake more than generic with just my writing. There is a lot of his character that is derivative, and that which isn't only comes out in small spurts (e.g. quoting Latin and referencing philosophy, which aren't necessarily new either). There are aspects of his personality I want to bring out in interpersonal interactions (another of your comments), but I also wanted established his loner streak as well. Another great specific area for me to focus on.

Malcolm talks in the beginning about being a leader and having to deal with followers. “You follow the battles and the wars and pick the bones of the vanquished like horrible crows...” but then shortly after that he refers to himself as the “lead crow” and says he will be the one picking up bones. So which is Malcolm? A leader? A follower? A crow? This starts to get a little confusing. It’s obvious you like to include the imagery of a crow picking the bones after a battle, but I think you’ve worn that one out now…

(I read now that you plan on continuing the bird references...)

This was a little bit of me shoe-horning ideas I wanted into this RP. I can definitely see how this would be confusing. There's a lot going on in what's said (and not said) that definitely makes it confusing. Part of what I was trying to get across is a very subtle sense of both hypocrisy and self-deprecation. There's a bit of his distrust of camera/media, in the line about battles and wars that basically is scraping at the idea that FGA - and wrestling promotions in general - exploit the pain and sacrifice of combatants (i.e. the "vanquished"). The (repeated) reference of to "horrible crows" is complex in itself. It a reference to the poem "Twa Corbies" ("Two Crows") which talks about 2 crows looking at a dead body left from a battle and talking about all he had in his life before dying in battle. And then they go and eat his corpse. I was attempting to capture both the idea that FGA (wrestling promotions) are viewed by Drake as scavengers and juxtaposing that with his own view of himself as a "lead crow;" the true winner in the aftermath of battle. So yeah... I can easily say how that's confusing. ;D

But that poem, the idea of crows, scavenging and being symbols of death are all ideas I want to permeate Drake's promos.

You do a nice job selling Drake as a brawler who doesn’t care about opponent’s backgrounds or specialties. I’m thinking this plays into the whole “professional wrestling is dead” gimmick that I’m hoping you run with.

There's definitely a lot of death-talk and death-symbolism I'm going for and I think that works better with a brawler than any other style. Thanks for the compliments.

I thought it was an entertaining debut for a character that I hope to see a lot from in FGA. We have yet to see Malcolm interact with anyone or respond to an opponent against him, so I’ll be looking forward to seeing what you can do with that.

Thanks again! As I said somewhere up there, there are aspects of Drake's character I want to explore with interpersonal interactions, including certain aspects of his sexuality and how that ties into his psyche.

Nick, thanks ONE more time for the extensive feedback. It was really great, and gives me a lot to think about with my character.

Cheers,
- Vinny

[Vinny]

Dec 11, 2012 11:48:59 GMT -5 DaveCZ said:

Dec 11, 2012 11:01:55 GMT -5 Vinny said:

Thanks, Corey (is it Corey? I can't remember). I appreciate the praise. And yeah, who isn't a Raven mark?

- V

You're welcome. I'm David actually, but lot of people on the e-fedding scene knows me as Corey, so yeah, you can call me Corey lol

I gotta get a spreadsheet together of everyone's names...

[Chris Q]

I told you I would return the gesture after the feedback I received from you on my last work. It's a two way street.

[Vinny]

My second RP is up: Window Dressing a Massacre

I went a little crazy with this RP. I wanted more of Drake's eccentricities and erratic behavior to come out. I wanted him to see more unbalanced/crazy. But that's all I'll say for now. I'm definitely interested in hearing what people think of it.

Thanks,
- Vinny

[thelion]

Before I say this, I'm nobody's Peer here. I know I'm a new guy in the fed and pretty new to board feds and as such, I gotta' go through the NooB ropes and all that crap. But being that I have written alot of shit over the years, I think my opinion is ok to give. This isn't a final judgement or a shot in the head to anyone's material or anything like that. That being said, here goes-

I read your Window Dressing Massacre and my first thought was "Woah, I gotta' step up my game!"

I liked how well thought out and put together this piece was. It definitely was a winning piece and I say that because I judge a roleplay by how well it draws me in. I was hooked in the first paragraph. If you find me skimming a roleplay, it's because it just doesn't hook me early enough to get my interest.

Another kick ass thing was, the introduction of your character into the piece. You didn't have him just standing in front of the camera, as I often do. You had the camera pass him right by, mistaking him as another street bum on the sideways of life, only for him to grab that Camera man and, short version, say "Hey, I'm right here you judgmental ass-hat!"

I think it was mentioned earlier by someone else, but my few criticisms would be that some of the dialogue was a bit lengthy and could have used some breaking up. A hand gesture here, a tilt of the head there, maybe a look of reflection on his face or something like that. Heck, throw in the wrinkling of a brow in contemplation, whatever works. Just keep the dialogue from over running itself. It also adds a stretch of length to the piece and grants even more life, though you did a pretty good job of bringing this character to life.

Another criticism/compliment (Depends on how you take it), for a guy who is a straight up brawler and doesn't care about anything, he sure does throw down with alot of dialogue. Please do not take it as a bash, as I don't know your character or how well read he is, but it's just an initial impression that Malcolm Drake really loves the sound of his voice and the way it sounds when he speaks it, LoL.

This guy is in a love/hate relationship with himself, just soaking up the attention and drawing out the moment as long as he can with as many words as he can to make himself sound even more important than he is. That's not a bad heel trait to have, mind you. I don't know if you were going for a contrast between his mind and his outward appearance, and if that is the actual case, then you did a good job man.

Bottom line, I like the RP. Malcolm Drake is a bit heavy on the vocabulary for the type of character he is, but then again, Raven picked up a thesaurus every now and then as well. Awesome work. Now I have a benchmark to aim for.

[Vinny]

Dec 24, 2012 10:14:32 GMT -5 @thelion said:

Before I say this, I'm nobody's Peer here. I know I'm a new guy in the fed and pretty new to board feds and as such, I gotta' go through the NooB ropes and all that crap. But being that I have written alot of shit over the years, I think my opinion is ok to give. This isn't a final judgement or a shot in the head to anyone's material or anything like that. That being said, here goes-

Feedback Disclaimer! That's gimmick infringement!

I read your Window Dressing Massacre and my first thought was "Woah, I gotta' step up my game!"

I liked how well thought out and put together this piece was. It definitely was a winning piece and I say that because I judge a roleplay by how well it draws me in. I was hooked in the first paragraph. If you find me skimming a roleplay, it's because it just doesn't hook me early enough to get my interest.

Another kick ass thing was, the introduction of your character into the piece. You didn't have him just standing in front of the camera, as I often do. You had the camera pass him right by, mistaking him as another street bum on the sideways of life, only for him to grab that Camera man and, short version, say "Hey, I'm right here you judgmental ass-hat!"

Thanks, Rob! I was hate the "Hey, you're Wrestler X!" introductions so I thought I'd do a little play on that. I figure indy wrestlers outside the ring are practically invisible so it made sense to me. I was also going for the idea that a maniac can hide in plain site in society. Social commentary. I'm deep.

I think it was mentioned earlier by someone else, but my few criticisms would be that some of the dialogue was a bit lengthy and could have used some breaking up. A hand gesture here, a tilt of the head there, maybe a look of reflection on his face or something like that. Heck, throw in the wrinkling of a brow in contemplation, whatever works. Just keep the dialogue from over running itself. It also adds a stretch of length to the piece and grants even more life, though you did a pretty good job of bringing this character to life.

Every damn time I read through one of my RPs, I'm thinking is this enough, is this too much; do people care about what faces he's making, etc. My general rule of thumb is to never have more than two paragraphs of dialog without some action in between. This is definitely a balancing act and occasionally I'm a little too drunk to walk the line properly.

Another criticism/compliment (Depends on how you take it), for a guy who is a straight up brawler and doesn't care about anything, he sure does throw down with alot of dialogue. Please do not take it as a bash, as I don't know your character or how well read he is, but it's just an initial impression that Malcolm Drake really loves the sound of his voice and the way it sounds when he speaks it, LoL.

This guy is in a love/hate relationship with himself, just soaking up the attention and drawing out the moment as long as he can with as many words as he can to make himself sound even more important than he is. That's not a bad heel trait to have, mind you. I don't know if you were going for a contrast between his mind and his outward appearance, and if that is the actual case, then you did a good job man.

Thanks again. A lot of this is a feeling out process for me with a new character. One of the dichotomies/hypocrisies I was looking for with Drake is that he acts like he hates having the camera around him, but when its there he's drawn to it. He needs to make himself be as big and important as possible, almost like he's fighting himself (love/hate, like you said).

One of the little mysteries I haven't expounded upon with Drake (yet) is how a guy with a rat's nest for hair and who hasn't bathed since the Clinton administration can toss around words like "superficiality" and "masquerade." Part of the answer is hinted at in this RP. It's early on the dialog; that's the only hint you'll get but I do plan to explain more and more Drake's past as I go including how he's so educated and able to speak so articulately (albeit deranged). I think I said in one of the earlier responses, I want the Drake character to really walk that line between genius and insanity, crossing back and forth when needed.

Bottom line, I like the RP. Malcolm Drake is a bit heavy on the vocabulary for the type of character he is, but then again, Raven picked up a thesaurus every now and then as well. Awesome work. Now I have a benchmark to aim for.

Thanks again, Rob. Raven is a huge influence on this character. A lot of people have noted the similarities, so I'm going to try to break slightly away from seeming so Raven-esque, but he's definitely the model I built Drake off of.

- V

[sgakrista]

Vinny, I know I said I'd give you feed back, but honestly, Leon hit all the main points I would have, so sadly I don't really have much to add. Except I'm still picturing Raven a bit when I read your RPs, which is not a bad thing, per se, but I know you are trying to make a separation from that, and you are doing a good job of it. Sorry I don't have more to say. I'm still stinging from another loss

[Vinny]

The latest (and possibly greatest?) RP from me is up: To Watch Your World Burn.

I'm actually very interested to hear what people think of this RP. I think it is my best since coming back and possibly one of the best I've ever written, which is funny to me because I started off not wanting to write it at all tonight. ;D

Thanks in advance to anyone who reads it and/or leaves some feedback.

- V