Chris Q

[Chris Q]

Posted my first piece for this fed titled "Goodbye, Texas." If you get a chance to read it, let me know what you think...

[Deleted]

DALLAS REPRESENT!

[Stephen]

Nice exposition to the character in the first scene. We know the basics of what Chris Q is about. He's not in the business to make friends, fans, or alliances. He's all about taking care of Chris wants and what he needs. He doesn't even seem to care much for wrestling, in my opinion of course, as it's just a means to an end. I'm interested in seeing the development of the character's motivation as he begins his career.

As for the second scene it was a solid response to Mangold's roleplay. It's always hard to do the first roleplay without having too much info about your opponent other than what they've provided for you, but I think that you did a great job with what you were given. Personally, I would have loved to hear more about Chris' goals in the promotion in this promo, but this is only the first roleplay so it's not a big deal. I look forward to reading more from you over the next few months.

[Chris Q]

My 2nd rp for FGA is up! If you get a chance to read "A Day Off" please leave me some feedback below...

[Vinny]

Vinny's Feedback Disclaimer: One of my favorite parts of RPing is the opportunity to improve as a writer. I have been involved with e-Wrestling since I was about 10, and continue to love reading and writing in this style. This is all to say that I am sometimes blunt in my feedback. I hope none of my comments come off as condescending or insulting, because that is not my intent. I don't claim to be better at this game than anyone else, but I have a strong love for debating the finer points of creative writing and tend to go into a good deal of depth with my feedback. Sometimes it can be nitpicky. If you would no longer like me to provide feedback on your RPs, just simply send me a PM saying so and I will not comment in the future. Thank you.
- Vinny

Hi, Nick. I like your beard. Very festive.

First off, this is one of the better RPs I have read in a long time. It's well-structured and moves at a nice pace. There's enough transitioning to keep things from getting stagnant, but not so much that it feels like a goddamn Tarantino film.

"[T]wo decent looking strippers and three beautiful bottles of whisky."
- I marked for this line. It's beautiful writing, and it's illustrative of the character. Not enough people give their narrator a unique voice. Your's comes out in subtle lines like this and it definitely adds to the RP.
- It would be nitpicky to point out the cliche of taking home two strippers, but 1. I wouldn't be me if I didn't and 2. it's nicely balanced by qualifying them as only "decent looking."
- Another nitpicky item: 3 bottles of whisky? Even Superman's liver couldn't handle that. Especially on top of the "sea of empty beer bottles" that comes later.

The conversation with the guy from the charity is a nice little moment. It allows Chris Q to differentiate himself as a heel, where up to this point he could easily be an Attitude-Era babyface (which I hate). Is the use of the NY Mets' colors and the name "David Wright" intentional or just coincidence?

I like that the exchange doesn't drag on too long, but I also think that David Wright jumps to anger a little too abruptly for a guy who works for a charity, and is begging people for favors. Again, it's nitpicky because ultimately the exchange works and ends wonderfully with the "Everyday..." quip.

I would've ended that section there because outside of squeezing in the "I'm about ten minutes away from my first drink of the day" line, the dialogue with the stripper is just fluff since we established that Chris is a dick who hates children.

My next comment is a personal preference in regards to style. We all have our own styles, but I'm not a fan of the long uninterrupted block of dialog. You do break it up into paragraphs which is excellent and much easier to digest, but ultimately all the talking occurs in a vacuum. I don't know where Chris is, what time of the day it is, and various other minutiae. Ultimately none of these things matter. It doesn't matter if he paces around or does anything with his hands while talking; it's what he says that's important but without a transition into it, it feels abrupt.

I do prefer this minimalist approach to moving for the sake of moving or changing scenes for the sake of changing scenes.

What's great about the match discussion is I really get a taste of the character. He comes firing out of the gate and doesn't slow down; a perfect compliment to his persona/lifestyle. There's no slow-down or run-on sentences. Just boom. Boom. Boom. Like he's going down the list in his mind, hitting all his marks losing any of the personality. Unlike the narrator he's not trying to be cute and turn a phrase. Exactly the kind of heel I mark for.

Excellent dissection of your opponent's RP. You go after her main points without having to fall back on quoting her directly or asking too many rhetorical questions to get there.

"I’m the new big bad."
- Great line

For me, the match discussion is where this character shines. There's even a little hint of underlying melancholy and emptiness that he's trying to fill ("I know that one day this will all kill me."), and it's inserted subtly which adds a lovely layer of depth to the character. This is what I'd really love to see you explore more in future RPs, purely for my own enjoyment. There's a sense that consequences are coming, a sense of foreboding for the future. It's a great background theme and tone running through this RP that's masked wonderfully the Devil-May-Care exterior.

So far, Chris Q is my favorite wrestler in FGA.

For anyone reading this who remembers Mickey O'Reilly, this is the sort of direction I wanted him to go with his character.

That's all I can think of right now, and I'm late for dinner.

Peace,
- Vinny

[Chris Q]

That was the best feedback I've ever received. Thank you. Expect a similar effort from me once you start putting out RPs. I wanted to respond to a few parts of your post, if only to clear things up.

The three bottles of whisky and also empty beer bottles is just trying to suggest that Chris has been drinking with the strippers and possibly other people as his "party" is constantly going. I can see how it reads like Chris is responsible for drinking the three bottles himself, but that wasn't my intent.

Any connection between font colors, the NY Mets, or the name David Wright is complete coincidence. You'd have to fill me on the history behind that. Or a google search will, either way.

As far as how I put my shoot together. I've been in this game for so long and I've gone between styles where I'll include the on camera moments with my character where I'll set the scene and describe his movements while talking. Honestly, I just want to talk about the match. It disrupts my "flow" to have to stop and break up the talk with sometimes pointless bits about how my character is breathing or taking a drink of water/liquor. I'll refer back to your line about the minimalist approach, that pretty much summed it up.

Thanks again for the feedback and suggestions for the future. I look forward to reading your work.

[Vinny]

Glad you liked it.

FYI - David Wright is the name of the Mets' third baseman.

[sgakrista]

Hi Chris! I really liked your RP, and don't have much to add to what Vinny said except this: while it was not marked *OFF CAMERA*, and so theoretically fair game, how would Chris really know what Aki and Sasha talked about, or how many videos they watched? At least a couple lines regarding how he knows, a handwave, if you will, would help. That being said - still an excellent RP. This will be a good match!

[Chris Q]

If I am following that same thought, how would anyone ever know what Chris is saying or doing? I never have him set in front of a camera...

[Chris Q]

My latest work, "Permanent Reminder" is now posted. Let me know what you think...

[Chris Q]

"Seeing Double" is the latest work. Check it out and let me know what you think...

[thelion]

I'll get to it as soon as I can man. Both of your latest pieces.

[thelion]

Ok now that I've read it, you're probably going to not like me a whole lot Chris. I may even piss Terry off a hair as well.

That being said, I didn't particularly care for how the bar scene was written. "Chris orders a shot. Chris does this. Chris does that." Lord man, we get it, his name is Chris Q. You don't have to identify him with every single action.

Secondly, halfway through the promo, you break into a straight monologue speech. There's no interaction, no movement, gestures, no facial expressions or body language. No scene. Just words on a screen man. Sure it's a good, long as all hell speech, but nothing that engages me. Your previous promos were better than this.

In your previous works, you had more going on. I felt more connected to your last two promos.

Which brings me to my last point- I think the only reason you won your match for this show is because of the sheer length and volume of your RP. This is an assumption, but I'm willing to bet that whomever judged your match went purely on the word count and file size and not the the full level of your material.

I somewhat don't blame them. You threw alot of dialogue with very little action. All in all, this isn't your best work and I feel you can do better Chris.

I expect not to be really loved or liked after giving this review, but just remember it's my honest opinion. If I were a fedhead or doing the judging, this RP would have been a boat anchor for Chris Q.

[Chris Q]

Jan 27, 2013 23:02:41 GMT -5 @thelion said:

Ok now that I've read it, you're probably going to not like me a whole lot Chris. I may even piss Terry off a hair as well.

That being said, I didn't particularly care for how the bar scene was written. "Chris orders a shot. Chris does this. Chris does that." Lord man, we get it, his name is Chris Q. You don't have to identify him with every single action.

Secondly, halfway through the promo, you break into a straight monologue speech. There's no interaction, no movement, gestures, no facial expressions or body language. No scene. Just words on a screen man. Sure it's a good, long as all hell speech, but nothing that engages me. Your previous promos were better than this.

In your previous works, you had more going on. I felt more connected to your last two promos.

Which brings me to my last point- I think the only reason you won your match for this show is because of the sheer length and volume of your RP. This is an assumption, but I'm willing to bet that whomever judged your match went purely on the word count and file size and not the the full level of your material.

I somewhat don't blame them. You threw alot of dialogue with very little action. All in all, this isn't your best work and I feel you can do better Chris.

I expect not to be really loved or liked after giving this review, but just remember it's my honest opinion. If I were a fedhead or doing the judging, this RP would have been a boat anchor for Chris Q.

I have no problem with you stating your opinions about my writing, that's fine. But to call the judging into question? That sounds really weak, man...

[thelion]

It's just an opinion.