Vinny
Headliner
Posts: 683
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Post by Vinny on Jan 8, 2013 21:31:05 GMT -5
It towers over the surrounding area of wild grass and overgrowth, a towering monolith, a tribute to a bygone era. In its heyday, St. John the Revelator's Church had a pair of ornate Gothic spires that pierced the sky as they rose towards heaven. But today those spires have collapsed upon themselves under the weight disregard and disrepair. St. John the Revelator's has been abandoned for a long time and forgotten for longer still.
Inside, what paint remains attached to the walls is crumbling and peeling. Most of the pews are splintered and shattered; the stained glass windows are smashed and shards lie askew amongst the overgrowth that has crept inside of what were once the long aisles. The Stations of the Cross are barely recognizable under the dirt, grime and film that has caked on to them over the years. The baptismal font is cracked, but standing still, a host to a mildewy stagnant pool of no-longer-holy water.
Sunlight cascades through the remnants of the windows and the remains of the vaulted ceiling, casting long beams of lights and longer shadows. The dust motes float between the light and dark, appearing and disappearing, the sole inhabitants of the old church. A wind kicks up, blowing the scattered leaves and specks of snow through the air.
The sound of a heavy creaking door echoes from the bank of confessional booths along the right wall of the antechamber and through the empty space. Emerging from one of the booths is Malcolm Drake. Drake – attired in a black hoodie with white drawstrings, tattered and ripped jeans and a pair of black combat boots – skids across the tiled floor and into the center of the church. He pushes the matted strands of his hair off his brow and gazes up at the empty hole where the roof used to be.
Closing his eyes, Drake extends his arms out to sides, slowly spins himself in a circle and lets out a loud, bellowing scream that scatters the birds perched atop the roof. Drake's scream turns into a low rumbling laugh as he collapses into a cross-legged seat in the middle of the cross-aisles.
“When I was a boy,” Drake says in a slightly-louder-than-hushed tone, “my father used to take me to church. Not here. But a similar enough place. I was just a little, little boy. And he would dress me up in these cheap dress-up clothes that itched and pinched...”
Drake hugs his arms around his body and begins to squeeze as if trying to give himself a bearhug. He begins rocking back and forth.
“I couldn't BREATHE in those clothes. I HATED them. But every Sunday I would put them on. I would TRY to be a good, little boy and say my prayers and sit ssstill and be... shhhh... quiet... But I couldn't. I just couldn't. And my father... My... father... would get angrier and angrier. And in the car rides home he would YELL at me and he would say, 'MALCOLM, YOUR BEHAVIOR IN MASS TODAY WAS ABYSMAL!”
Drake pulls a hand away from his body to wag a finger at the air while shouting his imitation of his father. When he finishes the arm immediately returns to its clutch.
“I didn't even know what abysmal meant. Not literally. But I knew...”
Drake voices begins quivering and his rocking back-and-forth becomes more pronounced as his body shakes.
“...I knew what it would mean f-f-f-fffor ME. It meant I would be... punished.”
Abruptly, Drake stops twitching. He stops rocking. He stops moving altogether with the exception of the rise and fall of his shoulders with each inhalation and exhalation. Then, he pops up to his feet and with his back turned he begins slowly pacing the aisle towards the altar. His voice no longer ragged or frantic, he continues.
“And I think back on that now and on the hypocrisy of it all. We came to church to learn about love and forgiveness and wash ourselves clean of our iniquities and be bathed in...”
Drake stops. His head half-turned back over his shoulder.
“... purity.”
He spits onto the floor beside his feet, then begins walking forward again.
“You'll forgive me if I don't hold everything that CLAIMS to be PURE in such high regard. You'll forgive me that when I hear the word PURE I want to vomit and empty the bile of my stomach all over this PURITY. And you'll forgive me if I don't give a SH*T about the PURE title and its PURE tournament of disgusting PURITY.”
Drake's pacing brings him to the front of the church, before the main altar and a large statue of Jesus crucified on the cross. Considering the surroundings of the church, the statue has remained relatively in-tact. He pauses, looking the statue up and down once before sneering.
“But I didn't come here to find purity or forgiveness. I came here to try and find God. To try to find God... among men. But as you can see there is no God here. There is no. God. Anywhere. And there certainly won't be any God in Woodbridge, Connecticut on Saturday night when I crucify Alistair Mangold in the center of the ring.”
Drake walks away from the altar, rounding the corner back toward the bank of confessionals from which he emerged earlier. He runs a hand along the door of the closest confessional booth, giving it the once over.
“I'm not normally a man for confessions. I don't feel the need to make apologies for who I AM and what I DO. But some of youuu out there don't seem to like me very much, so let me do this for you one-time. I confess. I confess that I have sinful thoughts and VIOLENT intentions rattling around in my brain for Saturday night. I confess that I covet the spot on the card reserved for goody-two-shoes do-gooders like Alistair Mangold. I confess that what I plan to do to Mangold on Saturday night... won't be very Christian. And I confess that I don't give a damn about what anyone thinks of me or what I have to do; I am walking out of Woodbridge, Connecticut victorious with my hands stained in the blood of a so-called 'God'.”
Drake wrings his hands together staring down at them, before slowly raising his gaze and staring through the limp strands of his hair.
“That's quite the bombastic little nickname you've given yourself, Al. The 'God Among Men.' That's quite the boast. Tell me... what ridiculous moniker do you think they will bestow on the man who kills a God? Hmmm? 'Godkiller?' I don't mind the sound of that. But unlike youuu, AL, and unlike the other troglodytes in F.G.A. I'm not here for cutesy nicknames. I am here to do what I do best. What I love to do more than anything else in this world. I am here... to hurt people. To break bones. To crush spirits. To... erradicate. Inside and out.”
Drake grins before standing upright and shaking his hair out of his face.
“And for that there are certain... people who don't think I belong in this PURE wrestling tournament. People like Leon Corella who seems to think he's better than men like me and Dominic because he's spent more time in a singlet getting stretched by other 'better men' in singlets. Corella thinks that because he knows a few cute holds and a few neat moves that makes him better than Dominic. Better than ME. Hmmm. He says there's no place in a pure wrestling tournament for the likes of The Murder.”
Drake looks down at his feet with a smirk.
“Well maybe you're right, Corella. Maybe there is no place for us in this tournament. Maybe this tournament was designed by FRAUDS like you and Alistair Mangold to find a cheap way to weasel a victory over BETTER MEN THAN YOU... like Dominic and I. You close-minded sycophants like to live inside your little boxes and critique what 'real' wrestling is. REAL wrestling is my FIST... SHOVED down your tiny, little esophagus. Real wrestling is my foot CAVING IN your skull. You hide behind your little wall of 'purity' and say 'No! You're not allowed in our club! Real wrestlers only!'”
“Pathetic.”
The word twists in Drake's mouth into a scowl as he spits again onto the floor.
“Dominic and I, we don't WANT to be part of your little club. We don't WANT to be pure wrestlers in a pure wrestling tournament for a pure wrestling title. What we want... is to DEFILE your precious purity. We want to burn down this little shrine you've made to 'real wrestling' and PISS on the ashes. We want to watch your world burn to cinders until it's an empty husk just like this church.”
“We don't give a DAMN about being crowned the 'best pure wrestler in Frontier Grappling Arts.' We care about taking that away from youuu, Leon Corella, and you, Alistair Mangold, and from each and everyone else that holds that title in high regard. I am going to win this Pure wrestling tournament... and then I am going to defile your PRECIOUS little belt. And there is no man...”
Drake pauses, glancing back over his shoulder at the altar.
“Or GOD... that can stop me."
"Memento... mori.”
With that, Malcolm Drake stalks his way out the front door of the collapsing church and disappears from sight with his footsteps still echoing off the walls.
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Vinny
Headliner
Posts: 683
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Post by Vinny on Jan 3, 2013 17:06:50 GMT -5
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Vinny
Headliner
Posts: 683
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Post by Vinny on Jan 3, 2013 16:50:21 GMT -5
Mentally insert my usual disclaimer here; I'm too lazy to copy and paste it. I'll do this in quick hits: - Brief. To the point. I always prefer that to a longer RP. - Good building of the Pure tourney. Makes it seem important. Good tie in with the location. - I did think there wasn't enough interaction with the setting, by which I mean the RP wouldn't have lost much (if anything) if it were cut in front of a brick wall or an FGA banner. Normally this isn't even a critique I would make but you burned a few calories painting a pretty picture of Leon's surroundings and then didn't really do anything more than mention them in passing. - I'll return the favor on this critique: too much movement between dialog. Just kidding. I thought it was well-balanced. I personally do and prefer a little less, but this was in no way distracting and often useful. - Personal style preference: I don't like the underscores being used to denote emphasis. No real further comment, I just personally find them distracting. Like tinsel. - Really solid match discussion. Well-woven. Though I am wondering where you got the "King" of the Bastards line from; normally it wouldn't make too much difference but it was central to your RP (even the title), and I don't think Dom Harter has ever been called that. - Overall, very solid. Peace, - V
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Vinny
Headliner
Posts: 683
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Post by Vinny on Jan 3, 2013 13:47:36 GMT -5
Vinny's Feedback Disclaimer: One of my favorite parts of RPing is the opportunity to improve as a writer. I have been involved with e-Wrestling since I was about 10, and continue to love reading and writing in this style. This is all to say that I am sometimes blunt in my feedback. I hope none of my comments come off as condescending or insulting, because that is not my intent. I don't claim to be better at this game than anyone else, but I have a strong love for debating the finer points of creative writing and tend to go into a good deal of depth with my feedback. Sometimes it can be nitpicky. If you would no longer like me to provide feedback on your RPs, just simply send me a PM saying so and I will not comment in the future. Thank you. - Vinny
You're going to get off a little easy, Tiggy. Aki already hit what would've been my biggest comment: the commas. My Lord, the commas! Like you, I'm also prone to let my writing get away from me - thinking faster than I can type. I've had to force myself to re-read my RPs to catch my little mistakes (extra commas, missing words, etc), and that's something relatively minor I'd recommend to you. Another minor point: Oro says he wants to rid the "business" of people that are... looking to use pro wrestling as a business? I think your character would be better served looking to rid the "sport" of bass players and CW vampires. Like I said, it's minor but if your character that REALLY loves pro wrestling, I think it's an important distinction. Other than that, I loved this RP. Loved it. There were a few points were the dialog seemed to drag, like the characters were reading a script and trying to hit as many points about Tig as possible instead of letting their conversations evolve organically. But outside of that, I felt Oro's enthusiasm exploding off my computer screen. I love that his goals are over the top and not exactly fully-formed, like any excited rookie's would be. I love that his all-over-the-place descriptions of himself (something I would usually consider a flaw) work, as this is a kid who has just discovered his "identity" 5 minutes earlier and is still trying to find himself in the mask and cape. Oro, as a character, has a ton of potential. A real, true babyface. Peace, - V
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Vinny
Headliner
Posts: 683
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Post by Vinny on Jan 2, 2013 20:58:19 GMT -5
Oh and the gold tie with the dark beige shirt is a subtle contrast. It's something I'm seeing more and more in alot of high end suits these days. The tie is used more like a highlight. I've rocked that look with a brown suit.
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Vinny
Headliner
Posts: 683
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Post by Vinny on Dec 30, 2012 11:42:32 GMT -5
Also, glad somebody got the unspoken Harvard joke! My little bro goes to Harvard (humble-brag), so I'm privy to a lot of them.
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Vinny
Headliner
Posts: 683
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Post by Vinny on Dec 29, 2012 20:32:18 GMT -5
Vinny's Feedback Disclaimer: One of my favorite parts of RPing is the opportunity to improve as a writer. I have been involved with e-Wrestling since I was about 10, and continue to love reading and writing in this style. This is all to say that I am sometimes blunt in my feedback. I hope none of my comments come off as condescending or insulting, because that is not my intent. I don't claim to be better at this game than anyone else, but I have a strong love for debating the finer points of creative writing and tend to go into a good deal of depth with my feedback. Sometimes it can be nitpicky. If you would no longer like me to provide feedback on your RPs, just simply send me a PM saying so and I will not comment in the future. Thank you. - Vinny Since you were nice enough to review my RP, I figured I'd return the favor. In terms of a pure booking perspective, it is a bold move to start a show with a new talent, especially one that may not be known to the FGA crowd. I think the way you handled this in your promo - with the initial mixed reaction to the exposition of who Leon Corella is - was very good. I thought the crowd came over to his favor a bit early, but that's getting really nitpicky. The exposition/explanation of Leon Corella was very good, like I said. I thought it focused a little too much on UWL and Kevin Hill and not enough on why Leon Corella came to FGA or what he accomplished in TSWF. By focusing so much on Hill/UWL and spending a lot of air on running down Hill as a promoter - which I assume is a shoot, and I love me some shoots - Corella teeters on the edge of going from "guy that got screwed over and stuck it to the man" to "guy that thinks he got screwed over and keeps whining about it." Ultimately, I still think Corella is in that first camp, but for a formal introduction to the character, I would've stuck with the Cliff Notes version of the story. I also felt the "Harvard Business School" line was a bit shoe-horned in. You tied it back in to Ryan Kidd, but it struck me like the old joke: "How do you know if someone went to Harvard? Don't worry. They'll tell you." I also started to feel that Corella was getting a little too smarmy talking about his wealth and business acumen. That's not usually a way to get over with the "common man" wrestling fan. All and all, it was interesting. It hinted at a potential future feud with Kidd. It established a backstory and a character. All excellent things, especially for a debut. I am left wondering what exactly FGA "fans" are supposed to be left thinking of Corella, though. Is he a babyface or a heel? On the one hand, he got some cheers. On the other hand, he told a top babyface to fuck off AND spent a lot of time complaining about his prior treatment while bragging about his successes. He also called Kidd a paper champion in no uncertain terms. If I'm a Kidd fan, I don't like this Corella character. Hope this is along the lines of what you're looking for in terms of feedback. I'm also happy to talk about it on here; via PM; or via AIM. Peace, - Vinny
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Vinny
Headliner
Posts: 683
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Post by Vinny on Dec 29, 2012 20:12:13 GMT -5
Vinny's Feedback Disclaimer: One of my favorite parts of RPing is the opportunity to improve as a writer. I have been involved with e-Wrestling since I was about 10, and continue to love reading and writing in this style. This is all to say that I am sometimes blunt in my feedback. I hope none of my comments come off as condescending or insulting, because that is not my intent. I don't claim to be better at this game than anyone else, but I have a strong love for debating the finer points of creative writing and tend to go into a good deal of depth with my feedback. Sometimes it can be nitpicky. If you would no longer like me to provide feedback on your RPs, just simply send me a PM saying so and I will not comment in the future. Thank you. - Vinny Okay so it's been a long week and a longer day, but I finally have a little free time to re-read and review this RP. In the interest of keeping this short(er), I'm going to tend to focus on the negatives. Please don't mis-take that as I hated this RP or thought it was terrible, it's just quicker for me if I hit the cons and that's where the most bang for your buck is anyway, right? - Formatting. I'm guessing you copy and pasted part of this RP from somewhere you had written it like in Notepad or some other program. This screwed up the formatting for the first half of the RP and made it hard to read. - Dialog and Interactions. This, for me, is the big flaw in your RPs. The talking comes off as stilted and forced. For example, "First, I need to review my teammates…but let’s get out of the rain." There is too much exposition here. 'First I will do this, then I will do this, and later I will do this.' As weird as it may sound, the fact that the entire promo is laid out at the beginning makes it boring. We're told the entire structure instead of just having it revealed to us naturally. It's the old "show, don't tell." Just start reviewing the teammates, or just get out of the rain. Don't announce it. We'll figure it out when it happens. It's like the kid in school who raises his hand and pre-cursors his question with "I have a question." We know. We assumed that's why you raised your hand. And even if we didn't know, we'd figure it out when you asked the question. The other part of this particular quote is again small but speaks to the point I'm making. Up until Aki says "but let's get out of the rain," I didn't even question that she was standing outside in the rain. It seemed natural enough, but when she needs to remove herself from the rain my brain immediately goes "Well why the hell was she standing out in the rain in the first place?" The problem with trying to explain the issue here is that there's nothing *technically* wrong with the writing, but the *feeling* it gives off is very stilted. It becomes more apparent with interactions. Man: Hi there, I’m Mark! Good timing, miss, we just opened up. Just swipe your student ID through the reader and you’re good to go! Lockers are up on the second floor. First, if I ever met anyone that chipper in real life I'd probably blow their brains out. Second, holy unnecessary information dump, Batman! This guy is Mark. This place has just opened You get in by swiping your Student ID. The lockers are on the second floor... Do we - as readers - really NEED any of this information? Wouldn't it sound cleaner and - more importantly - more natural for him to say something like: "Hi there. I'm Mark. How can I assist you?" It would also streamline the conversation by Akrista not needing to explain she's not student or faculty. She can just go right into why she wants to get in to the building. And you don't lose your Shakespeare-related flirtation. On the flirtation, the meet-cute is nice and the subtle nuance that becomes a major point of conversation is definitely good... but in re-reading this back-and-forth Mark and Aki really seem like they're condescending to each other. A lot. "Oh, I didn't expect you to know Shakespeare." "Well, I didn't expect YOU to know about wrestling." -- Unrelated tangent: In re-reading this the editor in me wants to change "School policy and all." to "School policy is all, as they say." and follow it up with a wink then have Aki flirt her way in. -- End tangent. Character Behavior. This one jumped out at me in this RP. So Aki is totally okay with breaking into a condemned building that will 1. potentially get her arrested 2. potentially get charges of breaking and entering 3. collapse on top of her because it's condemned to be demolished... but she's not okay with either flirting her way past or easily sneaking around a student receptionist where the repercussion for getting caught would be 'Hey you can't be in there.' 'Sorry, I took a wrong turn. I was just leaving.' I understand the reasoning has something to do with not being able to control the behavior of others, but I really can't make that connection. I don't get that at all. I only figured out that was the aim from the segway into the match discussion. Couple quick hits:- Akrista spends far too much time talking about her teammates, and practically shooting on them. That's not a very babyface way to approach an 8-person tag match. - "Akrista’s Irish temper had been bubbling to the surface during her rant about Jacob Demore" could be shortened to "Akrista takes a deep breath to calm herself" without losing any impact. This does back to my first point. - I thought the structure in this RP was too rigid. First, I'm going to establish the setting. Then I'm going to talk about my team, then I'm going to talk about my opponents, then I'll close out. It's not so much that structure is bad or wrong, it is that it is so evident. To use a Family Guy reference, it's like when Peter is watching a kindergarten play and says "I gotta say, you're really not pulling me into this at all. I'm very aware that I'm watching a play right now." I was very aware I was reading a RP, and I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that the whole structure was explained to me right from the start. I will leave on a high note, though: I loved the ending.
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Vinny
Headliner
Posts: 683
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Post by Vinny on Dec 24, 2012 13:06:04 GMT -5
Before I say this, I'm nobody's Peer here. I know I'm a new guy in the fed and pretty new to board feds and as such, I gotta' go through the NooB ropes and all that crap. But being that I have written alot of shit over the years, I think my opinion is ok to give. This isn't a final judgement or a shot in the head to anyone's material or anything like that. That being said, here goes- Feedback Disclaimer! That's gimmick infringement! Thanks, Rob! I was hate the "Hey, you're Wrestler X!" introductions so I thought I'd do a little play on that. I figure indy wrestlers outside the ring are practically invisible so it made sense to me. I was also going for the idea that a maniac can hide in plain site in society. Social commentary. I'm deep. Every damn time I read through one of my RPs, I'm thinking is this enough, is this too much; do people care about what faces he's making, etc. My general rule of thumb is to never have more than two paragraphs of dialog without some action in between. This is definitely a balancing act and occasionally I'm a little too drunk to walk the line properly. Thanks again. A lot of this is a feeling out process for me with a new character. One of the dichotomies/hypocrisies I was looking for with Drake is that he acts like he hates having the camera around him, but when its there he's drawn to it. He needs to make himself be as big and important as possible, almost like he's fighting himself (love/hate, like you said). One of the little mysteries I haven't expounded upon with Drake (yet) is how a guy with a rat's nest for hair and who hasn't bathed since the Clinton administration can toss around words like "superficiality" and "masquerade." Part of the answer is hinted at in this RP. It's early on the dialog; that's the only hint you'll get but I do plan to explain more and more Drake's past as I go including how he's so educated and able to speak so articulately (albeit deranged). I think I said in one of the earlier responses, I want the Drake character to really walk that line between genius and insanity, crossing back and forth when needed. Thanks again, Rob. Raven is a huge influence on this character. A lot of people have noted the similarities, so I'm going to try to break slightly away from seeming so Raven-esque, but he's definitely the model I built Drake off of. - V
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Vinny
Headliner
Posts: 683
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Post by Vinny on Dec 23, 2012 12:24:56 GMT -5
My second RP is up: Window Dressing a MassacreI went a little crazy with this RP. I wanted more of Drake's eccentricities and erratic behavior to come out. I wanted him to see more unbalanced/crazy. But that's all I'll say for now. I'm definitely interested in hearing what people think of it. Thanks, - Vinny
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Vinny
Headliner
Posts: 683
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Post by Vinny on Dec 23, 2012 12:18:43 GMT -5
A very light snow has begun to fall over Sussex Park in the center of the city of Newark, New Jersey. A thin layer of snow coats the grass between Central Ave and Martin Luther King Blvd. Traffic, both pedestrian and automotive, is at a seasonal peak as people rush about their lives; wrapping up their Christmas shopping and scurrying about as the street lamps and lights begin to come alive. Amidst the shoppers laden down with bags, shuffling along the pavement, a homeless man sits hunched forward on the park bench with a heavy woolen blanket draped over his head and shoulders. He's been there long enough for a white film of snow to have accumulated on top of him.
As the cameraman makes his way past the homeless man a familiar voice rings out over the din of traffic.
“What's YOUR rush, hmmm?”
The camera wheels back around to center on the homeless man, who shrugs some of the snow off his shoulders before pulling the blanket back off his head. The man shakes his matted hair out, and when it settles over his face the man becomes recognizable as Malcolm Drake. Drake cocks his head to the side as he stares back at the camera.
“You,” Drake begins speaking again, “are emblematic of the problem. The myriad dysfunctions of society. Rushing one way then the other without any idea where you're headed. Endlessly chasing trinkets and meaningless baubles. Lemmings. Marching, marching, marching off the cliffs of obscurity and impotence.”
Drake makes a dismissive wave of his hand before continuing.
“I... am burdened with HORRIBLE purpose. And while it leaves me... grotesque to the marching lemmings who avert their gaze and shut their ears to me, like YOU.” Drake spits, “I am left with the knowledge of TRUE burden and TRUE pain.”
“You see while they masquerade as something they are not; while they hunch and struggle and wheeze under the weight of their imagined burdens; I make no such pretenses about who and what I am. I do not hide behind pink hair and pretenses. I am not here because daddy didn't like the music I listened to. Daddy...”
Drake's voice strains and then trails off. His gaze falls back to the ground as snowflakes gently trickle down in a white-wash around him. Slowly he raises his head back up.
“I don't look at my reflection in the mirror and sneer at people who don't accept my appearance. I don't primp for the unwashed masses because what I AM and what I DO is so much more than the superficiality of little girls. And while you may say that my words are only wind, know that soon... soon a Murder will descend on Frontier Grappling Arts and professional wrestling as you know it will have the meat stripped from its carcass.”
Drake shifts in his seat before discarding the tattered blanket that had enveloped him. A small plume of snow floats up around him as he stands and shrugs off the covering.
“And the... execution of that plan continues on December 28, 2012 at the Fleisher Athletic Center in the steaming cesspool of avarice and ignorance that is Newark, New Jersey. In what is billed as an eight-person tag team match, but the truth is THAT is simply window-dressing on an impending massacre. On one side of the ring you have two of the most dangerous men that have ever set foot in FGA in Christopher Q and Malcolm Drake. Two men that are, respectively, the living embodiments of chaos and carnage. Personifications of destruction. Akrista O'Hare tossed around terms like 'ultra-violent.' 'lunatics,' and 'psychopaths'... as if they were meant as insults.”
“Delicate little flower, are you scared? Does it bother you that my garden is sown in misery and watered from a river of blood? That cold feeling that... tingles... up and down your spine, have you convinced yourself that it's only that I give you the creeps? Or deep down in that pit of your stomach do you know the truth? Do you know that it is fear that grips you. That you know that I am coming to hurt you. And not brash-professional-wrestler-talk hurt you... but to really, REALLY hurt... you. You. Akrista O'Hare. Do you feel that? That sssensation when I say your name. How does it feel, Akrista?”
Drake's hands, clad in fingerless gloves, start roaming over his own torso and abdomen as he caresses himself slowly and methodically.
“How does it FEEL?! Do you feel helpless again, little girl? Are you and Alyssa having flashbacks yet? All those deep, dark secrets that you try to bury under a mountain of eye liner and hair dye... are they poking out? All the memories that you try to suffocate under the stupid adulation of imbecilic fans, are they... rising... to the surface?”
“Do you see me in your nightmares? Do you see me in the eyes of the crows that constantly follow you? Do you hear MY VOICE in their incessant CAWING, AND CAWING AND CAWING?! Hehehe. You do. I know you do. I know you do because FRAUDS always recognize the real thing. Those that manufacture PAIN and persecution in their minds always know when they genuine article speaks to them. I... am your unavoidable, unenviable reality.”
Drake presses his face as close to the camera as he can manage, blocking out everything but his face and the dangling strands of matted, filthy hair.
“You already know that I am the capital-T Truth. And you fear me because you know what that truth means. It means that I don't COWER away from what I am like a COWARD. It means that I ENJOY fighting women. I don't pretend that this is some unfortunate part of my job that I must do because I am being coerced by the mean old powers-that-be...”
“I like beating up women. I like hurting them. I like how soft their skin feels... when I pound it with my fists. I like the little yelping noises they make when I pull their hair. I like it when... they're pretty and they have so much to lose. I like the way their eyes bulge with that look of betrayal and helplessness when I strangle their beautiful, slender necks... And I love it when they scream. And you, Akrista, and you, Alyssa... you look like SCREAMERS.”
Drake blows a kiss into the camera before finally retreating back from it a few paces.
“And that's really what this match boils down to, isn't it? Half of our team is made of monsters and half of their team is made up of Life-size Punk Rock Barbies. I'm sure that offends the Jakes. Jake Demore, if he even shows his face, will be hobbling around on one leg. He looks like a man who got put in the electric chair and somehow survived the first jolt. I guess I WAS rusty. I didn't finish off Jake Demore in one shot. But... Jake... do you know what they do to men that survive the first jolt in the chair?”
A smirk cuts across the face of Malcolm Drake.
“They re-dampen his head to make sure that lovely, conductive water is dripping over him. Which probably isn't necessary because that man has been sweating profusely and his bowels... have probably released. And then, right before they flip the switch a second time, they put a strip of duct tape over his eyes. So that when he gets FRIED a second time, when his eyes BURST...”
Drake pantomimes the motion of his eyes violently exploding from his head.
“...he doesn't get his sticky, gooey eye-bits all over the executioner. But with us, Jake, I don't have the TIME to waste on duct tape and I don't MIND getting a little dirty. So I hope the Final Frontier audience isn't too squeamish, because what I am going to do to you – in the politest terms – is end... you.”
Drake draws a slow slash across his throat with his thumb, applying enough pressure to produce a red scrape mark where his thumb pressed. He stares into the camera before his face twitches in an over-exaggerated display of an epiphany.
“Oh... I almost forgot. Jake Winchester. A man whose age almost puts him closer to death than me. But I know Death intimately. She and I go waaay back, Jack. Winnie likes to say he's 'Old School.' Apparently that school never taught the rules of blackjack, but... apparently they had extensive training on lecturing. Every week I see Grandpa Winnie wheel his addled carcass out to lecture some young whippersnapper on this or that or 'the old school' or the right way to do business or some other nonsense. Hey, old man... who did you ever beat? Who are you? You hide your mirror behind a shiny facade of meaningless titles so you don't have to see the HORROR of your true reflection. You prefer the distorted look from a useless trinket than the hard truth that you're just a washed-up, old, sack of concussed delusions.”
“Don't believe me? Do you want to cross your arms and put on your mean face and your authoritative voice and lecture me on 'respect?”
Drake mockingly crosses his arms in front of his chest, shrugging away his neck as he glares at the camera before letting the imitation end.
“Well if you don't believe me, look around you. Look at your team. You've got a crippled dead-man-walking; two 'female wrestlers' who are more worried about their feminist ideals than about surviving; and you. You're on top of the scrap pile, old man. You're King Sh*t of F*ck Mountain. You're... nothing. I'm pretty sure that Tony Edison will be able to make short work of you. In fact... I'm excited for Tony. He gets to team with Chris Q and Malcolm Drake. After what he witnesses us do firsthand, after he gets a first-rate schooling in process of pain... he can drop his gimmicky 'Man Who Gravity Forgot' moniker and start going by 'Terrible' Tony Edison. You see there's a monster in each of us, and Tony's is clawing at the surface. Let. It. Out, Tony. Realize your true potential. Forget the top rope and focus on shattering the pathetic, brittle bones of Old Man Winchester. Revel in ending an old man's career. Savor the feeling of putting an old dog... down.”
Drake pantomimes a gun with his right hand and points to the “barrel” at his own temple.
“And maybe we'll see Diego Alvarez and maybe we won't. I don't care. Unlike Team Sunshine, I have no interest in pretending to be team captain, barking orders and demanding unity. There is one universal truth... entropy. All systems in nature are breaking down. It is only a matter of time. We... are agents of chaos. Soldiers of entropy. This match will break down. A slaughter will commence. And it will leave a FEAST for a legion... of horrible crows.”
“Memento mori.”
With those final words, Drake slings back onto his seat on the bench, slipping back under his snow-covered blanket and disappears back amongst the scenery.
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Vinny
Headliner
Posts: 683
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Post by Vinny on Dec 20, 2012 22:35:22 GMT -5
I meant to feedback your last RP but I've been mad busy; I'll try to feedback this one after Final Frontier since it's poor forum to feedback an opponent's RP. ;D
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Vinny
Headliner
Posts: 683
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Post by Vinny on Dec 16, 2012 13:36:41 GMT -5
Malcolm Drake sits cross-legged at the corner intersection of two cement walls, riddled with graffiti. Drake is attired in a dark gray hoodie under a black leather jacket with a pair torn jeans and a pair shoddy Converse hightops. Drake's hair is draped down over his brow and eyes as he stares down at his hands, open in his lap.
“I've never claimed to be very good at math,” Drake begins without lifting his gaze, “but even I know that FOUR... greater than three. At the Court Time Sports Center in Elizabeth, I effectively ended Jake Demore's career. If he plans to wrestle again, that promotion better come equipped not with an entrance ramp, but with a HANDICAP ramp. Hmmm.”
“So that leaves the Other Jake on a island with FGA's two precious little punk angels, Alyssa Casteele and Akrista O'Hare. Someone up there must like me, because I couldn't have selected better opponents. First, I got to lay waste to a pitiful CRIPPLE. And now... now I get an old geezer and two make-believe little punkettes. Like lambs to the slaughter. Mmm. I'm salivating already over the meat to pick of their bones. Maybe I'll even let Mr. Q, Mr. Alvarez and Mr. Edison focus on Grandpa Winchester so I can save and satiate my appetite on dye-job duo...”
Drake moves is open palms from their open position across his knees, slowly up along the insides of his thighs before letting them rest over his crotch. He finally looks up from the ground and shoots a crooked half-smile.
“The an...ticipation is driving me wild. I'll see you pretty little victims at Final Frontier.”
“Memento MORI.”
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Vinny
Headliner
Posts: 683
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Post by Vinny on Dec 11, 2012 12:42:19 GMT -5
Thanks, Corey (is it Corey? I can't remember). I appreciate the praise. And yeah, who isn't a Raven mark? - V You're welcome. I'm David actually, but lot of people on the e-fedding scene knows me as Corey, so yeah, you can call me Corey lol I gotta get a spreadsheet together of everyone's names...
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Vinny
Headliner
Posts: 683
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Post by Vinny on Dec 11, 2012 12:41:21 GMT -5
(I actually started writing this feedback last night when I first read through your RP. Since then, others have commented on some of things I'll talk about here, so I'm sorry if you're hearing it for a second time.) This reminded me of the old ECW promos from Raven that would air during their weekly shows. A very direct approach that really puts the audience in a good position to digest everything Malcolm has to say. I liked the attention you put into setting up the scene and the well-described imagery in the first part. I’m not sure if you needed to include as much specific detail about the city of Pittsburgh as you did, but that’s just me. First: Thanks for the detailed feedback, Nick. I love getting it and I love hearing about where I hit and where I missed. I'm glad so many people got the Raven/ECW vibe from this RP. I was definitely striving for that sort of style and aesthetic. The reason I did the bits about Pittsburgh where 1. Generally writing about the city or location helps me get the ball rolling when I'm not sure where I want to start and 2. One of Drake's trainers (Isaac Bronco) is from Pittsburgh, and I had initially planned on referencing that in the RP. But since I didn't, I probably could've trimmed a bit out about the city after focusing down the location. I like to make sure if someone Google Maps one of my RPs they'll be able to find the spot I'm talking about, but I can see where it went a little too verbose here. Good call. One of the things I'm going for, that hopefully will come off a little better the next time is a sense of paranoia in the character. In the segment I did for the last DVD Taping, Drake hid away from the camera, started with "you always find me," and worked his way up to attacking the camera. I made a point to distinguish attacking the camera from attacking the cameraman. This is a part of the character I haven't fully fleshed out in my mind yet, and maybe that's why it didn't come across like I wanted it. Like you said, there's a lot of personal preference into how to write the "shoot" part of an RP and I wanted to have a little fun with that. With previous characters - more brash ones - I've had them set up a handheld camera and cut their promos that way. I went away from that because it gives the impression of someone filming someone else filming themselves. I think my idea is that Drake does the promo part of his "job" unwillingly or at least wants to give that impression. I'll really appreciate this critique because it gives me something very specific to work on. Thanks! I'm glad you liked it. You bring up an excellent point, and something I hadn't focused on enough: how long can I tease out Drake before he just becomes some dude who lurks around in the shadows (in my defense Sting did that for about 20 years...)? The line about seeing who Drake is, was really designed as simple boasting, but I also put a lot of faith in Terr's match-writing. He PERFECTLY captured my previous character, so there is an element of that. But you're right. I may have put too much faith in my ability to make Drake more than generic with just my writing. There is a lot of his character that is derivative, and that which isn't only comes out in small spurts (e.g. quoting Latin and referencing philosophy, which aren't necessarily new either). There are aspects of his personality I want to bring out in interpersonal interactions (another of your comments), but I also wanted established his loner streak as well. Another great specific area for me to focus on. This was a little bit of me shoe-horning ideas I wanted into this RP. I can definitely see how this would be confusing. There's a lot going on in what's said (and not said) that definitely makes it confusing. Part of what I was trying to get across is a very subtle sense of both hypocrisy and self-deprecation. There's a bit of his distrust of camera/media, in the line about battles and wars that basically is scraping at the idea that FGA - and wrestling promotions in general - exploit the pain and sacrifice of combatants (i.e. the "vanquished"). The (repeated) reference of to "horrible crows" is complex in itself. It a reference to the poem " Twa Corbies" ("Two Crows") which talks about 2 crows looking at a dead body left from a battle and talking about all he had in his life before dying in battle. And then they go and eat his corpse. I was attempting to capture both the idea that FGA (wrestling promotions) are viewed by Drake as scavengers and juxtaposing that with his own view of himself as a "lead crow;" the true winner in the aftermath of battle. So yeah... I can easily say how that's confusing. ;D But that poem, the idea of crows, scavenging and being symbols of death are all ideas I want to permeate Drake's promos. There's definitely a lot of death-talk and death-symbolism I'm going for and I think that works better with a brawler than any other style. Thanks for the compliments. Thanks again! As I said somewhere up there, there are aspects of Drake's character I want to explore with interpersonal interactions, including certain aspects of his sexuality and how that ties into his psyche. Nick, thanks ONE more time for the extensive feedback. It was really great, and gives me a lot to think about with my character. Cheers, - Vinny
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