The Bridge on the River Karma

[Johnny Karma]

Judging by the decor, it’s sometime in the early 90s – or maybe present day Des Moines – as an elderly gentleman enters the front door of a modest suburban home, when the pitter patter of a child’s feet can be heard]

Old Man: Johnny, you little pisher, good to see you!

Johnny: Grandpa Karl!

Grandpa Karl: How ya been, champ? It’s been so long since I last saw you!

Johnny: I’ve been great, Uncle Karl! I drew a picture at school and the teacher liked it so much they put it on the wall and let me talk about it to the class and when I did they thought I was so clever!

Grandpa Karl: That’s great, champ!

[At this point, the kid’s parents walk through the door, the father carrying the huge pile of groceries in his arms to the kitchen before he drops everything on the floor]

Mother: I told you Johnny had missed you, Dad.

Grandpa Karl: And I missed him.

Father: Shari, did you get the hot mustard?

Mother: It’s in the bag with the vegetables Tom!

Father: I can’t see it.

Mother: Oy, must I do everything in this house?

[The mother walks away, clicking her tongue so much she could quite possibly be sending a hidden message in Morse Code, leaving Johnny with Grandpa Karl]

Grandpa Karl: Tell me something, Johnny.

Johnny: What, Grandpa Karl?

Grandpa Karl: Did you like it when you were talking to the rest of your class?

Johnny: I sure did!

Grandpa Karl: You know, if you have the confidence to say what you like, when you speak people will hang on your every word.

Johnny: Confidence?

Grandpa Karl: You know, chutzpah.

[Johnny giggles]

Mother: Dad, what have I told you about speaking to Johnny like that? He’s only going to get ideas above his station and start behaving like an arrogant ass.

Grandpa Karl: There’s no harm in teaching him a few little tricks to get him through life.

Johnny: Yeah, I’m confident!

Mother: Johnny! Don’t talk back to your mother like that! I ought to send you to your room without your supper!

Johnny: But Grandpa Karl’s here!

[The mother looks irked to have her authoritah questioned, but backs down rather than face a two-on-one argument]

Mother: Dinner will be ready soon. Wash up before you come to the table.

[The mother walks away, muttering under her breath]

Johnny: Mom is so mean to me, Grandpa Karl.

Grandpa Karl: Well she didn’t get it from me.

[Grandpa Karl winks, and Johnny giggles]

Grandpa Karl: Anyway, you’d best wash up before dinner, Johnny. Your mother wouldn't like itif you came to the dinner table with schmuts all over your hands.

Johnny: But my hands aren’t dirty!

Grandpa Karl: I know that, and you know that – but your mother doesn’t, and it would make her happy if you made the effort.

Johnny: Okay Grandpa Karl.

Grandpa Karl: Run along, y’little scamp!

[Grandpa Karl pats Johnny on the tuches before leaving for the kitchen, leaving Johnny on his own in the living room for a moment]

Johnny: Champ…

[Johnny scampers off to the bathroom to wash his hands]

[All of a sudden, we’re on the Karmic TV set, where Johnny Karma has a distracted look to him]

Cherry: J-K, are you okay?

Karma: Hmm?

Cherry: You look a little, I don’t know, distracted.

Karma: Oh, it’s…nothing, don’t worry about it.

[It’s that time again, where you world gets rocked, gets rolled, gets shaken and gets shimmied by the goodness that is Karmic TV]

[And if you weren't salivating at the prospect of all things Karmic, here’s a few reminders of the goodness you have experienced on previous episodes]

[Johnny Karma marching onto set with the Pride Championship belt held high]

[Johnny Karma holding his Iron Man trophy aloft]

[Johnny Karma offering a toast to camera]

[Johnny Karma looking darned fine in a tuxedo, as Cherry Baum wears a Little Red Number]

[Johnny Karma throws a mock jab toward the camera]

[Johnny Karma raising an eyebrow to camera, giving a knowing look]

[Johnny Karma and Cherry Baum both turning to the camera and giving disapproving looks]

[Johnny Karma points to the camera, then wags his finger in disapproval]

[Cherry Baum winks to the camera]

[Johnny Karma celebrates winning (another) award]

[Johnny Karma standing in the middle of the studio as streamers and balloons fall]

[Johnny Karma puts his hands together in mock prayer]

[Johnny Karma strikes a triumphant pose]

[Johnny Karma points to himself with both thumbs]

[Johnny Karma feigns mock-astonishment]

[Johnny Karma performing some sit-ups on the studio floor]

[Johnny Karma and Cherry Baum look grossed out by the live lion sex show at Bronx Zoo]

[Johnny Karma fires a party popper at the camera]

[Johnny Karma rubs the back of his hand over his handsome and smoothly-shaved facial features]

[Cherry Baum offering a cup of Cherry Garcia to the camera]

[Johnny Karma uses his hands to mimic something vanishing into thin air]

[Johnny Karma and Cherry Baum look at the camera as the studio is bathed in green light]

[Johnny Karma raises a thumb to the camera, nodding confidently]

[Johnny Karma pointing at the bottom of the screen as the caption Nobody likes you materialises]

[Johnny Karma brushes his fingers against his shirt, before winking to the camera]

[Johnny Karma points to the Pride Championship belt beside him on the sofa and nods]

KARMIC TV
Prepare for a snowstorm of Karmic goodness!

[We fade to the studio where Johnny Karma is sprawled on his sofa as Cherry Baum waves enthusiastically to camera]

Cherry: Hi everybody, welcome to another edition of Karmic TV, the only TV that sex tourists in Thailand consider to be a pleasant surprise!

Karma: Speaking of surprises, I trust each and every one of you was watching last week’s venture into the Karmaverse.

Cherry: I know I was!

Karma: For those who didn’t…shame on you!

[Karma does the shaming gesture towards camera]

Karma: However, if you have a reasonable excuse for not seeing the last show, such as a blizzard dumping a ten-foot snow drift directly between your couch and your TV set, or after witnessing the last Karmic trip you were one of the many victims of slapstick that go unreported every year, you will have seen me debut a new trick in my arsenal: the Karmic Crab. And it sure was effective – after all, just watch this…

We see a clip from Battleground 1.1, with Karma trapping a helpless Dan Herrera in the Karmic Crab as Herrera tries in vain to escape the hold

Karma: As you can see, I utterly devastated Dan Herrera with that new hold, a hold he could not break, which is why I am a superstar whilst he is just some loser who should head back behind the desk so he can do his day job, whatever that is.

[Karma shrugs to camera]

Karma: Seriously, viewers, do you know what his day job is? Because he sure isn’t a wrestler, which is why I so clearly defeated him with that hold. After all, you don’t see him using a manoeuvre that can beat me in that clip, do you?

[Karma give an assertive nod to back up his 100% correct claim]

Karma: So with Dan Herrera dispatched like everyone knew he would be and he is now scuttling back to the office with his tail between his legs, I return to my office – you know, the one with four turnbuckles and a few ropes going around it – to continue cutting a casual swathe through the ham and eggers of Frontier Wrestling Arts, because that’s what I promised to do in 2014 and, unlike so many, I’m a man of my word. For example, if I say I’m taking Miss Baum out to dinner after we finish filming this episode, that means I’m taking Miss Baum out to dinner after we finish taping this episode.

Cherry: Really???

Karma: I…

[Karma realises he may have painted himself into a corner with that example]

Karma: Yes.

Cherry: At last! I’ve been dreaming of this day!!!

[Karma suddenly looks mildly terrified]

Karma: We’ll arrange the details later.

[Karma desperately tries to move the conversation along]

Karma: Which takes me to my next match, against Ryan “Ryan” Kidd – or, as I prefer to call him, Ryan “Kiddo” Kidd.

[Karma takes a deep, cleansing breath…then just hands over to Cherry Baum]

Cherry: Well I think this match will be a cakewalk, and not just any cake – I’m talking the biggest cake you can find, the sort of cake you’d expect to see at a Kardashian wedding, only it has grown legs and is now walking.

Karma: Nicely put, Miss Baum, nicely put. On the off chance that I break a sweat in this so-called matchup, “so-called” because Kiddo is no match for the Karmic Lion, it will be such a cakewalk that I will not perspire sweat but will perspire frosting, which will drip down my face made of icing, and rather than show intestinal fortitude I shall show that my soft, spongy centre is made of more than…whatever Kiddo is made of. But one thing I can say, keeping with the bready theme, is that I will tie him in knots until he becomes pro wrestling’s first croissant.

Cherry: Croissant?

Karma: Bagels are so mid-to-late-90s.

[Karma gives a dismissive wave of the hand]

Karma: Most importantly, after proving how Dan Herrera is all talk by trapping him in the Karmic Crab and making him humble, I can safely predict that Kiddo is going to suffer the exact same fate and will be the second member of the FWA locker room to experience the most devastating submission manoeuvre in wrestling today, and when he does he will slap the mat so darned fast you’ll need to watch the match in slow motion just to be sure that you saw him tap out.

Cherry: So…dinner?

Karma: Yes, dinner.

[Karma shakes his head]

Karma: But before dinner, I shall put on a three course meal of scientific wrestling that will see Ryan Kidd age ten years trying to keep up, before I leave him with the lower lumbar of a 76 year-old grandmother as he experiences the Karmic Crab for himself. So, Kiddo, don’t fill up on rolls – you’re about to be served a meal by the greatest gourmet chef in the world of wrestling, and the cheque is going to be pretty darned pricy for you at the end of the night.

[Karma winks to the camera]

Cherry: Well I guess that’s a good point to leave it. Thank you so much to all you great fans for turning in, but from me Cherry Baum…

Karma: …and me, Johnny Karma…

Cherry: …we’re off to get some dinner. Bye!

[Cherry waves to the camera before grabbing Karma’s arm and badgering him as the studio lights fade]